Living in the In-Between: Coping When Divorce Is a Possibility, Not a Decision

Susan J Campling, Psy.D

There is a particular kind of emotional strain that comes with not knowing whether a marriage will end. When divorce is being considered—but not yet decided—you are living in an in-between space that can feel more exhausting than certainty itself. You may wake up one day convinced you must leave, and the next day determined to try again. This limbo can create chronic stress, emotional confusion, guilt, grief, and a deep sense of loneliness.

This article explores how to cope during this uncertain period with compassion, clarity, and self-respect—without rushing yourself into a decision you are not ready to make.

The Unique Pain of Uncertainty

Human beings are wired to seek resolution. When a relationship is clearly ending, grief follows a recognizable arc. When it is clearly continuing, effort has direction. But when the future of a marriage is unclear, the nervous system remains on constant alert.

You may experience:

• Emotional whiplash (hope one day, despair the next)
• Hypervigilance around your partner’s moods or behaviors
• Difficulty sleeping or concentrating
• Guilt for imagining life without your spouse
• Fear of making the “wrong” choice
• A sense of being emotionally frozen

It is important to understand that these reactions are not signs of weakness. They are normal responses to prolonged ambiguity and emotional threat.

Give Yourself Permission to Pause

One of the most important coping strategies during this time is allowing yourself not to know. Society often pressures people to “decide already,” but major life decisions—especially those involving children, finances, identity, and long-term attachment—deserve time.

You are not obligated to:

• Decide on a timeline before you’re ready
• Have clarity before you’ve had support
• Make a choice simply to reduce discomfort

Pausing does not mean avoiding reality. It means respecting the weight of what you are facing.

Separate Decision-Making From Emotional Overwhelm

Strong emotions can cloud discernment. When anxiety, anger, grief, or fear dominate, decisions tend to be reactive rather than reflective.

Instead of asking:

• Should I divorce?

Try asking:

• What am I feeling today?
• What do I need right now to feel more stable?
• What information or support would help me gain clarity over time?

Grounding yourself emotionally—through therapy, journaling, mindfulness, or trusted conversation—creates the conditions for wiser decisions later.

Clarify What Is Actually in Question

Sometimes the uncertainty isn’t about divorce itself, but about deeper unanswered questions, such as:

• Is my partner willing or able to change?
• Can I accept this relationship as it is, not as I hope it will be?
• Am I staying out of love, fear, loyalty, finances, or guilt?
• Am I leaving to escape pain, or to move toward health?

You do not need immediate answers, but naming the real questions helps prevent endless mental loops.

Set Emotional Boundaries Inside the Marriage

When divorce is a possibility, the relationship often becomes emotionally chaotic. Arguments may escalate, silence may increase, or both partners may oscillate between closeness and withdrawal.

Healthy coping may involve:

• Limiting repetitive, circular arguments
• Taking breaks from emotionally charged conversations
• Setting boundaries around disrespect, contempt, or emotional harm
• Creating emotional space without threatening or declaring divorce

Boundaries are not ultimatums. They are acts of self-protection and clarity.

Grieve Without Deciding

Many people believe they should not grieve unless divorce is certain. In reality, grief often begins before decisions are made.

You may be grieving:

• The marriage you hoped for
• The partner you wanted them to be
• The loss of innocence or safety
• The future you imagined

Allowing grief does not mean you are choosing divorce. It means you are acknowledging loss. Suppressed grief often turns into resentment, numbness, or anxiety.

Avoid Outsourcing Your Decision

Well-meaning friends and family often have strong opinions. Some will urge you to leave. Others will pressure you to stay. While support is vital, too many voices can drown out your own.

Choose carefully who you talk to:

• Seek listeners, not decision-makers
• Avoid people who project their own relationship wounds
• Consider professional guidance where neutrality and containment exist

This is your life, not a referendum.

Focus on Strengthening You

When the future feels unstable, grounding yourself in your own growth is essential. Regardless of the outcome, you will need resilience, clarity, and self-trust.

Helpful practices include:

• Individual therapy or counseling
• Physical self-care (sleep, movement, nutrition)
• Reconnecting with personal interests or values
• Journaling to track patterns rather than isolated moments
• Asking: Who am I becoming in this process?

The goal is not to become invulnerable—but to become more anchored in yourself.

Watch for Fear-Based Decision Traps

Uncertainty can push people toward extremes:

• Staying indefinitely out of fear of loss
• Leaving abruptly to escape pain
• Using divorce threats to gain control
• Waiting for a “sign” instead of engaging in reflection

Try to notice when fear—not clarity—is driving your thinking. Fear narrows options; wisdom expands them.

Accept That Clarity Often Comes Gradually

Rarely does someone wake up one morning with absolute certainty. More often, clarity arrives slowly—through patterns, repeated experiences, and emotional truth that becomes harder to ignore or deny.

Pay attention to:

• How you feel after time apart versus together
• Whether hope is grounded or fantasy-based
• Whether efforts lead to meaningful change or repeated disappointment
• Whether you are shrinking or growing within the relationship

These signals accumulate over time.

A Compassionate Truth

There is no “perfect” decision—only a decision you make with the best awareness and self-respect available to you at the time. Whether you ultimately stay or leave, the way you treat yourself during this liminal period matters deeply.

You are allowed to:

• Take time
• Change your mind
• Feel conflicted
• Seek help
• Prioritize emotional safety

Living in the in-between is hard. But it can also be a period of profound self-understanding, growth, and quiet courage.

Sometimes the most important work is not deciding what to do next—but learning how to stay present, compassionate, and honest with yourself while the answer unfolds.